omg_nikole

I need help.

I'm getting really sick of not being a priority in your life.  I'm trying so hard to not let you go, because I love you, but if something doesn't change I think I might not have a choice anymore.

Seriously though, for once in my fucking life I would like to be healthy & not have to see 9 different doctors about 10 million different things that are wrong with me.  Oh & P.S. I definitely want to spend my 19th birthday at the crotch doctors office, I don't know about any other girl but that's definitely my dream come true.

For the love of God, someone fucking help me.  Please tell me what to do.  Don't tell me I'm retarded because he lives 3,000 miles away & I'm an idiot for keeping this going as long as it has.  I wish someone could fucking understand anything going through my head right now.  I wish I could just not be here.

mood: sick

music: Something Corporate - Punk Rock Princess.

I don't know what's happening.  But I'm going to be completely honest....I don't think it's good.

You proved me right in less than 24 hours.  I think that might be a new record.

Oh & P.S.

Jen & I came to the conclusion that the world would be perfect if God created people, and people didn't create people.
There is a cultural revolution on it's way.



Hahahaha.

I'm not really sure what's going to happen in this entry.  Last night....while robotripping of course...Jen & I had the most intense, philosophical conversation ever.  And I now know a lot more about myself & why I do certain things, or at this point in my life why I don't do other things.  I get bored.  As simple as that statement is, I get bored so fucking easily.  I constantly need some type of change.  Jen & I talked about how society expects everyone to go to college, pick a major & study that major for the rest of their lives...just that one topic....& if you don't go to college & do one thing for the rest of your life you're looked upon as not being successful or amounting to anything.  I fucking hate that.  I cannot do just one thing like that.  And I'm praying to God I don't get bored with cosmetology & want to quit that too....but I think if I was going to get bored with it I would have already.  But I cannot just go through life doing the same thing day in & day out, I honestly will go insane and/or kill myself at some point or another.  And basically, I feel like if I take a certain opportunity given to me right now in my life, I will be stuck in New York forever because I don't see you being the type of person to leave.  Of course there's a lot more to that, but I'm not getting into it....especially not in here.  I don't know why I think, I should stop that.....I'm going back to my cocoa puffs now.

I miss being with Jen & walking around campus & hanging out in our room being fucked up beyond the ability to speak.  I really miss being fucked up.  I fucking need help.

"Hey Nikole, how's school going?"

"Ha, funny story actually.......I dropped out."


If I had a dime for everytime I had this conversation in the last few days, I would have enough money to pay back Fredonia the money I owe them for dropping out, plus get a new car.

I want to move to LA.  I can't stand being in Buffalo anymore.

So, here's what's been going on.  I owe Fredonia a shitload of money that I don't know how I'm going to obtain....we'll see what happens.  My dad & I are going there on Wednesday to talk to some bitchy woman about it.  Um, I have an appointment type thing on Thursday at Continental School of Beauty Culture.  I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty excited.  And they have financial aid =].  Hm, what else.  There's a good chance I'm not going to ECC in the fall, my dad said it would be better to wait until I get my cos license so then I can work somewhere while I go to school to get my business degree.  That sounds like a pretty good idea to me.  Speaking of work, I'm probably going to be working with my sister, basically cleaning up shit & drool from "special needs" people.  Not exactly what I want to do but it pays a decent amount.  

It's so fucking hard for me to just sit here & be patient.  I know it would be a better idea to get my cos license and then get my business degree, but that just means I'll be stuck in New York longer.  I know in my head that that's what I should do.  I just want to get out of here so bad.  I'm not going to make it much longer without seeing him.  And all I'm saying about that is, if he doesn't feel the same way anymore I sure wish he would let me know before I devote my life to moving 3,000 miles away from here to be with him.  You know how I am.  I need constant reassurance...& I haven't been getting any at all from you lately.

mood: depressed

music: Perfect - Alanis Morrisette.

So I dropped out.  I know I had to or I would be dead in a few weeks.  But I've been home less than 24 hours & I already want to kill myself.  Jesus Christ Nikole, you've really fucked up your life.  I miss Jen.  I miss being in that room.  I don't want to be home anymore.

I've been sittin here
Tryin to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin for the payback
Listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
And I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in line
I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills, but still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It's hard to hang out in crowds
Out strecthed hands and one night stands
Still I can't find love

People don't know about the things I say and do
They don't understand about the shit that I've been through
It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone, I've been gone for way too long
Maybe I forgot all things I miss
Somehow I know there's more to life than this
I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
Still I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been getting
I've been walking that there line
So I think I'll keep a walking
With my head held high
I'll keep moving on and only God knows why.

My life is going down the shitter so fucking fast.  My body is so fucked up from what I'm doing to it.

I have to stop myself from throwing up when I think about how much I've fucked up my life.

Life has worn me out too much.  I really hope I make it long enough to get to the point where it's better.

Hm, this weekend was....um. Yeah.  Friday I almost went insane so I went shopping for almost 3 hours.  It was fantastic & I needed it so badly. Hm. Then I hung out with Alyssa.  We went & got her lip pierced.  It was pretty badass.  Saturday I cleaned all day & what not.  Then I picked up Maggie from work & went to Bobby's.  Wow.  I won't get into it.  Denny's.  Mike's. Got home around 5:00ish.  Talked to Sean for a while & finally went to sleep.  Hm....today I woke up & finished cleaning my house.  Not gonna lie, my house was insanely clean & my parents didn't even thank me.  Whatev.  Came back to school & now instead of study which I should be doing, I'm watching tv.  I almost cried because I didn't want to come back here today.  There's a really good chance that I just threw up in my mouth a little bit because of this show I'm watching.  This kid was skating & he fucked up & now his wrist is at a 90 degree angle. Oh my god.  Jesus Christ....gross.  Yeah & now I'm going to bed.  I love my Sean <3

Jesus Christ I fucking love Sean more than anything.  I can't fucking wait to see him again.  I can't wait until we go to Clifton Hill too :D  It better fucking happen.  Or I'll kick some ass. Hmmm, yep.





I'll marry you under one condition ......
.......... and we danced.

.....but honestly, i don't fucking care anymore.  In 2 years I'll be gone.  I'll have a new fucking life & new friends & I can't fucking wait.